Debby
drank every day to get drunk. She came
home each night smelling of alcohol, often sick,
sometimes staggering, and frequently verbally and
physically abusive to other siblings and to her parents.
Unknown to her family Debby and her friends had
discovered that the
stockroom of one of the neighborhood Chinese Restaurants
was the
storage space for their alcohol. She had realized
that the Ladies Room of
that same restaurant had a common wall with the
stockroom.
It was no surprise that Debby and her friends created an
opening, out of
public view, from the Ladies Room to the supply of the
alcohol in the next
room. This assured them of a constant supply of
what they wanted the
most - alcohol.
ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS
Yes
No
Did Debby have a problem?
______ ______
What was Debby's problem?
___________________________
___________________________
Ask any parent you choose and it is likely that 9 out of
10 will say, "of
course Debby has a problem - and that problem is
alcohol!"
Now let's be realistic. What
is Debby's problem? Experience
tells us that the answer would be, "there is
none".
She wants alcohol.
She knows where to get an unlimited supply of alcohol.
She gets the alcohol she wants without difficulty.
She drinks and gets drunk as often as she wishes.
WHERE IS HER PROBLEM?
Joey is 20 years old
and smokes marijuana daily. He has done this
for at least the past 2 1/2 to 3 years, and before that
he used marijuana only on week-ends and in isolated
instances of spare time. He enrolled in college
this year and his tuition and living expenses were paid
by his parents. He had access to an automobile
whose insurance and taxes were paid by his parents and
the gasoline subsidized by Mom and Dad when he
experienced a lack of money. He also counted on an
allowance from home for incidental living expenses.
After the first semester at college it was clear that
Joey was failing
academically and had been put on social probation for not
conforming to
the dormitory rules. He was then, due to his
attitude and continued
maladjusting behavior, asked to leave school.
He moved back home with Mom, Dad, and two younger
siblings and had a
difficult time adjusting to being home again. His
marijuana use did not
stop - though he said that he did not smoke in the
house. His social
activities kept him out from four in the afternoon until
between two and
four in the morning. Because of this kind of
schedule, he slept until at
least noon of each day, and sometimes until one or two in
the afternoon.
He neglected any household chores and his attitude was
belligerent and
explosive when dealing with his parents and siblings.
After several months of this, his parents sought help
from a psychologist,
because Joey had a real problem.
ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS
Yes /No
Did Joey have a problem? ________
________
What was Joey's problem?
_____________________________
_____________________________
Again we are looking at a young adult who is seen by
others as having a
problem. Our question would be, "What is
Joey's problem?" - and like
Debby, our answer might be somewhat the same as with
Debby -
Joey likes to smoke pot.
Joey smokes pot every day.
Joey likes to party.
Joey parties every night.
Joey has a comfortable house in which to live.
Joey has a car to drive.
Joey has money for expenses.
WHERE IS HIS PROBLEM?
Now is the time to draw our conclusion about whether or
not Debby and
Joey have a problem.
Many parents who have honestly examined their
perceptions, have come to some eye-opening
realizations. They have discovered that they have a
high tolerance for inappropriate behavior exhibited by
their teens and have difficulty knowing what is
appropriate behavior. If this is true for you, then STOP. Look
at how much inappropriate behavior you are accepting as
normal. The key to change is to learn to question.
When a situation feels uncomfortable to you the following
exercises may be helpful:
SELF QUESTIONING EXERCISE
Ask yourself:
Is this behavior OK with me?
Do I know and understand everything that's happening?
Am I being respected as an adult and a parent?
After understanding through self questioning that
something may be
wrong, examine your own behavior. Are you
negatively affected in any
way?Ask yourself:
Am I missing work frequently?
Is my job performance slipping?
Have I exhibited poor judgement more often than I like?
Do I have frequent sleepless nights?
Have I lost or gained weight recently?
Have I made more excuses for my behavior than in the
past?
Experience tells us that you
the parents of teens in
crisis, have a problemas great or greater than the teen
himself. Coping mechanisms for you need to be
developed, and that can happen only after you have faced
the reality of the situation, left the denial behind, and
are ready to set some limits for yourselves and your
kids.
The following are two
examples of how parents fool themselves by
thinking they are addressing the problem when in reality
they are only
enabling an uncomfortable process and continuing to feel
uneasy about
the results.
"My
teenage son came home one day and told me that he
wants to get his ear pierced. I was about
to go out and do some errands, so I told him we'd
talk about it later. One week later I
noticed that he had an earring stud in his
ear. When I asked him about it, he told me
that several days earlier I had said it was OK to
do this. I never remember saying OK and
told him so. He got very angry and told me
that I never remember anything. So I let it
go, for fear that he would get even angrier - but
I still wasn't sure."
|
| "My daughter came home
late from a friend's home one evening and it
smelled to me like alcohol was on her
breath. She denied it and went to
bed. It bothered me, so the next day I
offered to buy her alcohol if she wanted to drink
with her friends, as long as she confined her
drinking to our house. I thought this would give me peace
of mind." |
| Indicators
for Teenagers Indicators for Parents |
1. Low grades -
recent drop
|
1.
Concern about teen's
grade & school performance ?
What is your child's potential - is he/she living
up to your
expectations? |
| 2.
Absenteeism from school. |
2. How
often are you nursing your child's health
problems? How often
are you absent from work? |
| 3.
Negative opinion about school . |
3. Do you have a
negative consistently bad-mouthing opinion about
school? teachers. Are you consistently
bad-mouthing teachers? - administration? |
| 4.
Preferring hard liquor to beer or wine. |
4. Are you
choosing to drink alcohol to relieve stress,
relax, more and more? How much aspirin do you use
to handle conflicts at home? How
often do you have headaches? Are you on
prescription medication. |
| 5. Use of
marijuana - even occasionally. |
5. Do you
use marijuana -
occasionally to relax? |
| 6.
Avoiding parties that are chaperoned by parents |
6. Is your
home always the party house for your friends or
is your home never the party house? |
| 7. Friends
who have a reputation of using drugs. |
7. Are
your friends always
complaining about their
children's behavior, use
of drugs and alcohol -
Do you have any friends
that don't complain? |
| 8. Loving music where lyrics |
8. Are you consistently speak about
questioning your child's drug use, taste in
music, form of dress, friends he/she
chooses? Do you know you child's friends -
their families? |
9. Use slang expressions like;
- He's a control freak -
- Mr. Perfect!
- (It's always my fault.)
|
9. What kind of slang wasted
expressions (language) blown away ?
- (I'm afraid he'll get mad at me.)
- She's got a short fuse - (I don't like
her attitude.)
- He's a Jekyl and Hyde - (I'm never sure
where he is, what he's doing.)
- (He always tells me its
none of my business.)
|
PARENT'S
GUIDE TO SUBSTANCE ABUSE
What do I know about drugs and
how should I be thinking about
them in my role as a parent?
How can I tell if my child is
using drugs?
Do I know what drugs look like?
Where can I get help if my child
is using drugs?
One of the questions parents are
asking with increasing urgency and frequency is, "How can I tell if
my child is using drugs?" This
is a most difficult question when behavioral
signs and symptoms are the sole basis for knowing
or suspecting an answer. It is difficult to
discriminate between typical adolescent behavior
and drug-induced behavior, but parents should
consider 'yes' answers to
any of the following questions as reasons to
suspect the need for greater concern:
Does the child's personality seem
to be changing?
Is the child becoming irritable, less
affectionate, secretive,
unpredictable, hostile, depressed, uncooperative,
apathetic,
withdrawn, sullen easily provoked, and/or over
sensitive?
Is the child becoming less responsible?
Is the child not doing chores,
late coming home, tardy to school,
forgetful of family occasions (i.e. birthdays),
allowing room to be
unusually untidy, and/or not completing homework?
Is the child changing friends,
fashions, or interest?
Does the child have a new group of friends, adopt
the language,
clothing or hair styles of new friends; is the
child reluctant to talk
about friends or friends' parents, becoming very
interested in hard
rock or heavy metal music and concerts, less
interested in school,
sports, and older hobbies, and/or demanding more
privacy and
permission to stay out later at night?
Is it more difficult to
communicate with the child?
Does the child refuse to talk about details of
friendship group
activities, refuse to discuss "drug
issues" and become defensive
when negative effects of drugs are discussed,
strongly defend
occasional or experimental use of drugs by peers,
insist that adults
hassle their kids, begin to defend the
"rights" of youth, and/or like
to talk about the bad habits of adults?
Does the child begin to show
signs of physical or mental deterioration?
Is the child showing disordered
or illogical thinking, having strange or mixed-up
ideas or thoughts, ignoring matters of personal
hygiene, developing heightened sensitivity to
touch, smell and
taste, displaying a noticeable increase or
decrease in appetite,
losing the ability to blush, seemingly thinking
slower, changing
sleep patterns, losing weight, failing at times
to maintain balance,
frequently getting lost or disoriented, showing
surprise upon
learning the correct time of day, and/or failing
to become motivated
to achieve goals?
In
addition to watching for behavioral changes
parents should keep a sharp eye out for any of
the following bits of physical evidence that
drugs are being abused:
- even if you child smokes cigarettes, he is now
rolling his own
paper clips, hairpins or tweezers, sometimes with
blackened ends, show up in odd places around the
house - ash or tobacco-like residue appears in
clothing or around the house
-pills missing from the medicine cabinet
- the house smells at times pungent and smoky, or
like paint thinner
- the child has very red-rimmed, bloodshot or
watery
eyes, pupils are dilated or constricted
- the child has a runny nose but no cold
- the child displays involuntary eye movements
- the child starts using Visine, room deodorizers
or incense
- there are unexplained liquor bottles in the
trash
- any of the following are left about or
discovered in clothing drawers:
-pipes
-lighters or matches
-tiny bottles or
small boxes or containers
-baggies or little
bits of aluminum foil
-rolling papers
-peculiar cigarette
butts
-small seeds
-crushed brown or
green leaves
-traces of white or
off-white powder
-small mirrors
-razor blades
-straws, rolled-up
bills, or other tube-like devices
-glass tubing or
small vessels
WHERE CAN YOU GET HELP IF
YOUR CHILD IS USING DRUGS?
For further information on Sameem
Associates, Inc. programs and
services, please call us at: (617) 964-1060 .
We can also be reached on the
internet at:Sameem34@AOL.COM
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